My boyfriend lies and breaks commitments with me just to party all night long

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Why does my boyfriend lie and break commitments with me just to party all night long?

My BF (35M) and I (39F) have been dating for over 2 years. We currently live together. No kids or pets. We are planning to move across the country from Seattle to Chicago together.

This has been an issue for a while now. I always believed it was common courtesy in a relationship (particularly while we’re cohabitating) to let the other person know if you’re not going to be home when the other person is likely expecting you. Especially if it’s particularly late and the other person may worry about your whereabouts or if you have plans to do things the next day together.

My BF and I went out with our friends for dinner. He starts drinking and when he begins, he snowballs and soon enough it turns into a night of binge drinking and drug usage. This is his pattern or routine. He spirals and wants to continue partying all night long.

When we got home, he decided to go meet a friend at a Latino bar. Afterward, he went to his friend’s house to continue partying. And then much later, he was at my ex’s house. I only find out he is at my exes house at around 4 AM. He did not tell me he was going there. We have plans to get boxes and pack for our cross-country move in the AM. Now he says he will pay for movers, which I hope he does because he’s done absolutely no packing.

We also have casual plans to go out to dinner with friends the next night for dinner and I doubt that will be happening. When he stays out late, he typically misses the next two days because he’s recovering from either too much drinking or drug use. And honestly, this behavior has been on repeat and it’s gotten really old.

It’s also extremely hurtful that I have to find a replacement for an engagement we agreed to go to or I have to cancel plans (which looks bad on me because I am a food influencer and it looks very unprofessional when I cancel on the last minute because my boyfriend is too hungover to go to a scheduled dinner with me).

This has happened more than once. So I started inviting other friends because I knew we could have a “normal” time out that doesn’t lead to binge drinking and drugs on a weekday night or anytime we go out of the house.

At 3:47 AM he says he is coming home in a bit. 4:23 AM rolls around and he is still out and at 4:41 AM he text that he is at my exes place. I thought he was with another friend the whole time. Now he is in an entirely different place than he said he was and I am fucking livid. There is no other way to explain how I feel. I feel betrayed. I do not feel safe.

He wasn’t home for several more hours. I felt very disrespected. Not so much about the plans we had the next day but moreso just the lack of common decency to say that he would not be coming home when he said he would be.

Now he is saying sorry but I distrust him even more now. He hid this from me because he probably knew I would not approve of this behavior especially when we made plans to do things early the next day. At 4:57 AM he says he will be home “in a bit.” It’s now 6:13 AM and he is still out. 🙁

I have called him multiple times and I am going crazy. I don’t know how else to express to him that I am not ok with this. I hate it.

This has happened enough times now that I honestly start getting irritated right when he sends his first update about going home because I already know it won’t be the truth.

The next morning (if he wakes up) he’ll apologize and will tell me he won’t do this again. But guess what, he will. I am so sick of this pattern. I’ve never been with a person who is constantly lying to themselves and me. 🙁

At finally 6:13 AM he says he’s calling an Uber home. I wait to see if that’s actually what is going to happen. And then 6:55 AM rolls around and he ignores my calls and messages.

At 7:31 AM he tells me he is waiting for a GoPuff order. I find our he never had intentions of leaving at 6:13 AM like he said. His excuse is that Uber was $48. He then asks if he could stay for one beer after the GoPuff is delivered and we agree to that. This is our compromise.

It’s 9:01 AM now and this should have been enough time to have one more beer. I ping him and remind him of our home inspection for the house we’re buying. He will call an Uber to come home now and adds “for real this time” at 9:05 AM. He says he is in Uber at 9:11 AM. He actually keeps his word this time.

On nights like this, I can’t sleep, because I’m partially upset about the lying, and also, honestly, a bit hurt that he’s been with his friends for hours and still doesn’t even WANT to come home to see me so he stays out an additional 6+ hours at the cost of upsetting me.

That might be my own problem, but it is hurtful that he thinks that 10+ hours of drinking and drug use is preferable to keeping commitments with me. I lay awake until I hear him come home. It makes me feel unimportant.

And often when he does come home, he stumbles in loudly, throws his belongings everywhere, and passes out for the next 2 days. Sometimes he even has the nerve to tell me to cook food for him.

He makes so many excuses. I just wish he came home at a reasonable time (or at least when he says he will). I can’t even remember the times when he actually did what he said he would do. He would just rather drag it out knowing that it will upset me. I feel he is used to disappointing me and that is not ok under any circumstance.

I am concerned that I am being unreasonable/controlling, or is he being inconsiderate and selfish? It’s making me think that he is not trustworthy or reliable, and honestly, I don’t know if he is capable of keeping any commitments with me. And if he does, they only last at most a few weeks. Afterward, it’s all out the window again.

It’s disheartening because he has promised he would be better and not do certain things again. I just don’t feel safe doing so with someone who constantly lies and breaks commitments with me.

He continually apologizes and says it won’t happen again, but it does, and often only a week later. This behavior is habitual for him. His routine is to party, pass out, and do some work, then repeat.

I get that maybe my staying awake til I hear him come home is my problem (I just can’t sleep and trust me, I’ve tried) but, why can’t he just be reliable and do what he says he will? Am I expecting too much?

It makes me so sad and we’re about to move across the country together. I don’t think I can stay with someone who continually does this to his partner that he “loves.” I asked him if he truly wanted to be with me and he said he was committed, but his actions truly show otherwise.

I have been unhappy and very anxious for a while now. I am typically not anxious in any way. I did a lot of healing to get to this point and now I feel my mental health has been broken down again because of the back and forth with behavior with him. I need to prioritize my health and happiness and get away from the things that no longer bring happiness to me, even if that means leaving him.

UPDATE: I told him it’s over. I am going to break the contract for our home in Chicago. I cannot live with someone who constantly lies to me and breaks commitments with me. These are constants in our relationship and I can’t tolerate disrespect anymore. I also don’t trust him and he is not reliable. I get he wants to make his friends feel like he’s there for them, but I truly know he isn’t. He just has an insatiable savior complex and believes he can genuinely support people when it’s only enablement disguised as a connection.

I’ve heard all the apologies and it never changes. I’ve realized for a while how pathetic he is. He is incapable of being sober or even having discipline when we go out for one night. I now feel really solid in my decision to end the relationship.

And to add salt to the wound, here are all the times he’s said one thing and done another:

We were in Oaxaca for a wedding and he said he’d be home at 12:30 am. He didn’t get back until 7 am from a strip club. His phone died and he told me that I should’ve reached out to his friends (whom I’m not connected with in any way) via Facebook to find out where he was at and connect with him.
He went to a friend’s house for dinner. We were supposed to have a little Valentine’s Day shindig the day after. He ended up staying out all night and didn’t come back until 6 PM the next day. My girlfriends ended up coming over around noon to share my Valentine’s Day dinner with me.
He went to our rooftop on NYE to party and then disappeared until 10 PM the next day. He didn’t respond to my calls and left me alone on New Year’s Day. He came home and passed out for two days.

And honestly, there are so many examples.

He thinks it’s ok to constantly do this to me. He doesn’t even remember many of the moments that he is out for prolonged periods, but I do.

This type of behavior repeats over and over again and it’s exhausting. I don’t want this to be my life.

I am writing this all out because I am really upset and hate that I feel abandoned and distrustful right now. I know I deserve more. I deserve someone who makes me feel whole, happy, and healthy. I deserve someone I can trust and who will keep his word, and not let fleeting moments get to his head.

I am also writing this down because maybe someone else is in the same situation as me. Maybe they need the courage to move on to what is better for them too.

Feel free to reach out to me if you’re going through something similar. It’s no fun experiencing this alone.

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