Trigger Warning: There are some graphic details in my post on What to Do When Someone Rapes You. It is my traumatic recount of being raped and manipulated by someone I considered my best friend. I hope this gives other readers the courage to report and share their stories one day. #metoo
For all our resources on narcissism and abuse, visit Fuck the Abuser and follow us on Instagram.
I’ve been going through a lot of emotions this past year. The one-year passing of the incident just occurred. I am telling my story now and not sooner because I believed I would be shamed for allowing myself to become so entangled with my perpetrator after he violated my mind and body without my consent.
I met a guy who I quickly bonded with and became my “best friend.” I realized later in our relationship that he is a narcissist. Once I learned about narcissistic personality disorder, everything started to make sense. His behavior, the progression of our relationship and so much more. He manipulated, not just me, but multiple people, including those in our friend group and women he’d meet online to date.
Related: Glossary of Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) Terms
Narcissists are relentlessly cruel and selfish. They only do things that are self-serving at the expense of others. He seemed generous but it always came with an exchange or a transaction for something. He assured me that I was different and that he would change. He never did. It was all just a ploy to get me to believe his false intentions. His actions always showed otherwise.
I was another victim that became involved in his cruel world.
Related: What’s It Like to Be With a Narcissist
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How Did It Happen?
I was raped on March 12th, 2020.
Earlier that evening during dinner, my perpetrator asked if we could have sex and I said no. I did not want to ruin our relationship as friends. I am also polyamorous and have a partner of 8+ years. I’ve denied him various times before because I did not want to be another statistic or conquer of his.
I was very well aware of how he objectifies women and gets validation from sex with women. He also had a current girlfriend whom he left with after the incident to stay in Mexico with for a few months during COVID lockdown.
He is quick to rush into relationships and sexual encounters because it’s how he feels validated. I do not use sex to feel validated and I did not want to validate our friendship in that way, EVER.
After dinner, we went to hang out with our friends and decided to go to a strip club later in the evening. I was lounging around while my friends (including my perpetrator) were doing their thing with the strippers. I was happy just chilling on the armchair in the strip club and chatting with my friends on my cellphone.
At one point, I became annoyed because another friend, whom I was sexually involved with in the past, was ignoring me when I asked him questions. We left the strip club, dropped off a few friends then went back to my perpetrator’s home. It was pretty late at this point so I decided to fall asleep on the couch instead of going straight home.
Within seconds he came over to the couch, pinned me down, kissed me forcefully, and proceeded to rip off my clothing. I pushed him away and said, “NO! I don’t want this.” It all happened so quickly and I was shocked and stunned.
I can still visualize him yanking my leggings off and dragging me into the bedroom.
I felt numb while he raped me. My body was frozen. I remember his face and his eyes with the enlarged pupils. The smell of alcohol on his breath. He smiled while he raped me. He looked content with finally getting what he wanted from me. Then we fell asleep with our backs to one another. I could not get a wink of sleep that night.
I left in the AM. My entire body trembled and I was in shock for days after because I had just been violated and my mind was in a fog. How could my best friend do this to me? What do I do next?
I Pursued a Relationship With My Perpetrator
I felt so violated by my best friend. I loved him so much and he had really hurt me. He crossed a boundary that I had clearly and repeatedly set. I spent most of the day in my thoughts. My best friend, someone whom I trusted had just hurt me emotionally and physically. At that point in our relationship, I had said I loved him as a friend, but that did not mean I wanted to have sex with him, and that was NEVER my intention.
By this point in our relationship, he’d already made me believe that I was different from all the other women in his life. I later learned it was a ploy to get what he needed from me. He gave me a lot of attention, complimented me and I always tried to keep it platonic.
My perpetrator wanted to continue having sex with me. I proposed the idea of being polyamorous (I have a partner whom I’ve been with for over 8 years) and he said he would give it a try and that I was “worth it.”
I was already deep in his web of lies. He wanted to have me while also getting what he wanted from other women. I thought poly would be the answer to continue having my best friend in my life and we can both get what we wanted from each other. I wanted to get over the rape but it affects me more than I thought it would.
Bringing Up The Incident
One day I brought up the issue of our first sexual encounter and basically called it what it was, rape. He did not get consent from me and just overpowered me. He apologized and asked “Do you think I would do that to you?” Well you did.
He also told me that I seemed upset that night and thought that’s why I went back to his place to hook up with him to get back at our mutual friend who was ignoring me. I am not sure where he got the idea that because I was upset with someone I was previously sexually involved with, that I wanted to retaliate by having sex with my perpetrator.
That is not me and has never been me, but it was definitely how my perpetrator operated. He has hooked up with new and past women when we would fight and break up.
Another time, I was hanging with a group of gal friends and I was asked a question about me and my perpetrator’s sexual life. They saw my distraught facial expression and asked if he had raped me. I stated that he took advantage of me. This was months into our relationship. I informed him that I had told them and he shut me out for a few days. We met up days later after I had apologized for sharing the incident with my girlfriends. I had to apologize for discussing his sexual abuse toward me.
We then had an intervention with a mutual friend and they explained to me that my perpetrator could face repercussions if someone I told were to report him. The mutual friend also stated that my perpetrator is Caucasian and good looking so I would not likely win the case. That forced me to withdraw even further. I felt like I would just have to suffer in silence forever.
I should have reported him after he violated me. Instead, I let him continue to abuse me.
Later in the relationship, we had so many arguments because he could not commit to our boundaries and was always manipulating ALL the women in his life, including me. He told me that he had to hide my photo on Instagram because it was ruining his chances with MONOGAMOUS women. Eventually, they found out about us and it blew up in our faces. I would become his emotional punching bag because he was constantly lying and manipulating and would “feel bad.”
I felt hidden and disregarded. It would be a constant back and forth of I’m sorry, I won’t do that again, to his actions showing otherwise. Later on, I learned that he “felt bad” because he was losing supply (me). Narcissists hate when their supply abandons them. And narcissists HATE losing. They constantly have to win even if it’s at the expense of others. And I was dumb enough to think he would change.
This is a signature move with narcissists. They will reward you then take something away when there is an argument. It literally broke my soul and confidence. Ultimately, I learned that his words meant nothing. I was so MIND FUCKED and trauma bonded that it felt addicting. I felt disabled and worthless without him. I was experiencing Stockholm Syndrome.
What I Am Doing About The Situation
We have since broken up and my mind and body are still shattered. Not only did he rape me, but I also felt like he raped my mind.
One of the biggest things about being in a relationship with a narcissist is that they are emotional vampires. They will suck the life out of you. You will lose your joy, sanity, peace, and health to fulfill their superficial needs. And when you’re used up and depleted, they will move on to the next supply like nothing ever happened. You won’t even recognize who you are after a narcissistic relationship.
The first thing I did was give the idea of us up. Walk away from something that wasn’t even real in the first place. It was a sick and twisted game to get what he wanted.
The second is that I have decided that I am going to report my incident to the police. While I take full responsibility for continuing a relationship at his request after the rape, rape is still never OK. I also wanted to protect this from happening to future women.
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How Do I Report A Rape?
Reporting can be hard. Don’t feel ashamed if you have hesitations about reporting your rape to authorities.
First and foremost, get somewhere safe if possible.
Call 911 immediately. Let them know you’ve been raped and get a DNA rape kit administered ASAP by medical professionals. This is typically done within 72 hours.
An officer will be sent to your home to receive your statement for the report. After you have made your report, detectives will work to gather enough evidence which aids in the criminal case.
If you’re still with the perpetrator, call 911 if possible and wait for the cops to come to the location and arrest the perpetrator. The rape kit will be administered following the arrest.
And most importantly, do not forget to get the medical attention that you need. If you need physical or mental health support, ask the authorities or visit RAINN for victim resources.
What if the incident happened a while ago?
I used live chat on RAINN (The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) to inquire about support and the next steps. They advised me to find a center that would be able to help me. The RAINN chat and hotline are great for wanting to vent anonymously.
But I want real change. I want to get justice and prevent this from ever happening again. You can look up rape and abuse centers in your area using this link on the RAINN website.
Learn the statute of limitations on reporting and get support and counseling because you will need it. I live in WA state and the statute of limitations is within 20 years of the incident. I use my insurance for counseling and plan on continuing it for a while.
Getting myself back to a healthy state of mind is my priority. I hope everyone reading this will be able to get to that point in their lives.
And if you need to speak with someone, please please please reach out to RAINN or feel free to contact me. You are not alone.
Please share this with others who are going through something similar. Sexual assault should never be tolerated by anyone.
Speak up so that it encourages and empowers others to do so as well.
For all our resources on narcissism and abuse, visit Fuck the Abuser and follow us on Instagram.
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